at war with short term dopamine

coming to terms with what i want from the internet

“and then you took a picture of your salad and put it on the internet.” that line has stuck with me for more years than im proud of. maybe since first listen, i genuinly think maybe since that line i have posted my sweetgreen like one time. in fact i think in that moment the only reason i did was because i was invited to their penn quarter location in washington dc and felt somewhat inclined to do so because sweetgreen invited me and that was like 2018. i don’t if anyone is even gonna understand that reference but it just to me helps sort of set-up exactly what i’m about to say…

i remember hearing this creator say something a few months ago.. (btw, i say creator because that is what they call themselves) - they were talking to someone else and said “just post everything. post and then post again. i just post to post” - and i remember feeling really let down by that. it was framed in the context of the other person asking them how they grew online. and the person went on to explain that they just overload their channels and see what sticks. all of that just felt really strange to me. it felt like there was less effort show to what was being presented and more care being shown to how many people they could get it hit “follow” and that just never sat right with me. like most things i say here, i want to make it very clear. how they think is completely valid as it is their opinion and if that is how they feel, they need not worry about what i think. my opinion matters absolutely zero when it comes to what someone else wants to do on al gores internet. i know that. also, please don’t let that last few sentence even remotely come across as me giving them permission. im not. i will just reiterate that this just my perspective on things.

i think what gets to me or what ive grown over the last year, more and more concerned with where things are in the space that is the internet is this idea that for so many people who i admire and have such incredible talents, they either sit in limbo waiting to be discovered because they are not as vocal with their abilities or even as a result of just simply refusing to play the algorithm game. no trending sounds, not trending reels. just visuals from their heart. i often think of a tweet from my internet friend Matthew Stith… “i document football. i’m not a content creator. get it right.” talk about a mic drop..

i think why i find that tweet so meaningful is ive long had this feeling that people will see the efforts of friends who spend hours and hours and hours working on composing a series of images or a body of work and post it.. then someone else (a self identifying content creator) will see that and say “i take photos, im also a photographer” when simply put there is just a difference. i’d make the case like this.. you got a nice restaurant and the chef makes you a meal. the next day you stay home and make dinner. you are not a chef. you made dinner. does that make sense? again, thats also not saying that your dinner is any less good or worth consuming. but again, are you a chef or did you make dinner?

i remember one of my first pieces here “you can never really retrace footprints in the sand” touched on this idea of feeling like.. (not feeling.. knowing) that someone who was once close to me tried to bite my whole style. this person went on once to relate that they photographed a run while on the run and had their camera.. and had the nerve to say “is running photographer a thing” meanwhile, there’s literally hundreds who have come before him. i remember some one in nyc asking me about this person knowing i knew him saying “is this your guy?” then laughing. i think what so many others like this “running photographer” fail to understand is just how much a laughing stock they become to others. its as if they have no idea they’re part of the joke amongst those who quite literally dedicate their livelihood on it. i’m not sure anyone could ever change my mind about this. it was just such an insanely asinine thing to say and not to mention just disrespectful to those who do it for a living.

i was thinking about this transition it feels like we went through in the last couple of years that just in so many ways overwhelmed us in 2023, this constant influx of quick cut content, recaps from events seemingly cut and published before i even got home the function. at some point it went from impressive to concerning. then i realized it all just followed a recipe. a hook, quick cuts, flashing text, film on .5, quick cut, throw in a “lets go!!” and a couple slow-mo clips for good measure.. oh you can’t forget the “dont get hit by a car” moment in the running videos. why does this all feel the same?

why does this feel familiar? then it clicked for me.. ok.. take this ride with me.. what if we looked at the world of art as fashion.. ok.. lets start with say something like the 90’s.. denim flannels.. early gap days, abercrombie, levi’s.. you get the idea.. part of why we loved those so much was the quality. there was something very beautiful about their construction. the quality felt so good. then.. we got access to the likes of zara, forever21, h&m’s of the world.. then poof, almost overnight those blew up and that was all anyone ever wanted. it became less about the finance and quality of the garment and more so about its accessibility. it was fast and available almost right away.. then the demand for it grew.. then it became more accessible.. and so on and so on.. then it got cheaper, more available then ever before. it changed with the trends as fast as it needed to and it responded to its demand.. the faster we wanted it, the faster it was delivered… and at what cost? (i wont get in to the impact on planet or human aspect, im not qualified to have that conversation) the cost.. in this case.. its quality. it became this thing that i wasn’t so much buying a t-shirt.. i was just buying some cotton and plastic constructed to look like a t-shirt. yes.. ok, it was a “t-shirt” but it wasn’t ya know?

but something has been happening in recent times that gives me hope.. take a walk through the east village, lower east side.. hop on online.. what do you see in the world of fashion? a longing for “vintage” or.. for arguments sake.. a call back to when things were made with more care? when things were made less with a “how fast can we get this out there?” mentality.. ? recently, we saw gap work on a collection with sean wotherspoon where they sourced vintage gap pieces for a collection.. then released a gap x wotherspoon re-issued collection inspired by gap of old.

could it just be that i and others like me are the ones who are dodging the fast fashion said of creating? as if we are the ones equal to those in the fashion industry who worked hard to bring quality garments to life while others came in to the industry and said “oh i can do that as well but faster” or am i just old man shaking his fist at sky on his porch while the new generation rolls down the street with the music playing too loud?

or… is it just bad and im the one saying it publicly? am i the bad guy for saying i don’t like it? am the awful one for pointing out that quick and often isn’t good. why is it the world of photography, videography, fashion.. etc etc.. the ones thats get so cheapened by fast and often.. i think about the world of finance that has seen the outside come in and say “i can help you make money faster” and look how that often ends up.. people feel scammed in the end.. there was this thought i had before moving to new york city that pizza in new york is good no matter where you go.. and let me tell you, that could not be further from the truth… like i think people from new york would even agree with me here that there is more bad pizza in nyc there this is good. or at the very least.. way more accessible than ever before.

i know someone here might be thinking “so what carl? what does it matter to you?” and ya know.. you’re probably right. maybe i just shouldn’t care. maybe i should just want more from others. maybe i should just mind my business. maybe its all meaningless anyways. maybe i shouldn’t be worried so much about what others do with their time and just go sit in the corner and kick rocks. but then.. just when i’m about to do so, i think about the comment section of a newer clothing brand dedicating themselves to quality over quantity.. refusing to just do the cheaper thing and print on someone else’s blank but instead, taking the long road to design their own garments.. ultimately having to deal with higher costs, smaller margins, less inventory.. its those ones who have to deal with the comment section that looks like “i like your stuff but the cost is crazy” or “is your jacket really worth $xyz?” - and the person on the other of that comment probably just wants things faster, cheaper, more accessible.. they may very not see harm in what they want.. and i suppose that very person would read this and think i sound like an idiot. they might even be right.. whose to say..?

i think about my friend nat putting their first book out and having to field comments from people asking why it was so expensive.. for context the book was called “on valencia” - comprised of all film photos shot on location in san francisco.. for context the photo book sold for $45. i’m not minimizing others financial situation or access to funds that allows them to purchase a photo book.. but from pov, it looked like a lot of those comments typically came from people with multiple thousand dollar cameras around their neck and a lot of film within reach so.. maybe they could afford it and maybe just felt like it was up to them to call nat out for the price.. if you ask me, the book should have been more expensive. it certainly would have been justified. nat aka softboifilms might very well be one of the most important film photographers today. not just for their work in san francisco but now in nyc. nat doesn’t need me to defend them. she is more than capable and this by no means is me trying to do so, its just part of the larger story. we have become so inundated with quick and easy, accessible availability to the media we consume that we no longer break it down in to respective fields that it all just falls into the bucket of “content” and all that has lead to is this feeling like “i can do it, so why is yours so expensive?” mentality.

again, i cannot stress this enough… if you want to pursue a career in the arts, do it. if you want to be a chef, do it. if you want to do something creative. do it. by all means, do it with so much passion it annoys people. me included. but.. if you refer to what you do outside of your “9-5” as a hobby.. maybe don’t be so quick to criticize how others price their work? maybe don’t equate your ability to take a photo as the same ability as someone who documents running? if i go to a soccer match and photograph the game, i dont document soccer. i just took a picture.. matthew can have that podium for himself. but i do know, he will gladly make room for others who want to join him.. thats how i feel as well. but before you want that piece of the podium, lets clear up just exactly why it is you want to stand up there in the first place…? does that make sense?

what does all this have to do with the title? all of this “fast content” we are served day after day has only forced me to go deeper and deeper in to a conversation with myself about how i show up on the internet, at what rate and in what fashion. do i want to add to the influx? do i want to be associated with the same genre? do i want to be the person filming or being filmed? does my first instinct when i see my friends need to be that i pull my phone out? does my time spent on my phone documenting my life take away from my actual real life? do i need to talk about a brand i like in hopes said brand notices me and sends me their product. do i want to be one of 100 people in my circle, unboxing the same new shoe that is “my new daily trainer” because i want that brand to like me and keep sending me things until the next brand sends me something. do i need to also drink the new shot that every athlete with a six pack seemingly started using out of nowhere and has made them a better athlete in 2 weeks? do i need to turn every single aspect of my life in to content?

during the last eleven days of the year in 2023, i added 674 items to my phones photo album. some of those are memes, some of those are airdropped items from my laptop, some are tiktoks downloaded to laugh at later.. some are items airdropped to me by others. now compare that to the first eleven days of the year, i added 1,465 items to my phones camera roll. i would make the argument in my defense that over the course of the last year, this war has been waging inside me. does the world need to know what my rating scale of a sandwich is? what even makes me qualified to give one slice of pizza a 8.2 or a 6.7.. do i need to eat a bagel and tell the world what i think about it and tell people to share this video with a friend who might also love bagels? do i need to share anything? does this piece of writing even need to be shared? why can’t i just write it and keep it to myself.. i get it i do. am i a bad person for not sharing my recovery day by day dealing with the loss of my biological mother? what does that even look like? “grwm to be sad as fuck” - or maybe i just sit down and consume less. i’m not sure how many more “press and hold, tap the “not interested” button moments i have left in me. am i a bad friend because i mute my friends stories because i could care less about another day in the life video of a “full time freelance vibes curator & content producer in miami” video.

“you know you don’t have to follow them right, carl?” yeah i know.. but just because i don’t walk in to zara, doesn’t mean zara doesn’t exist? maybe i am just the old man on his porch yelling at cars wizzing by me. maybe i am “out of touch” im sure someone who doesn’t like me but reads this will say under their breath “you’re just a hater!” lol, i can already imagine that. but while you say that to yourself, i’d ask to think about it without objectivity… i know views matter and i know clicks puts food on certain folks tables.. i in fact also am in complete awe of people who live the life of a content creator and do an incredible job of doing so. people who have helped me in my career to understand how to better communicate my own message. i want to make it a point to clarify this.. again.. there is nothing wrong with being a content creator.. ok.. nothing.. you do you. but just because you create content and i also publish media to the world wide web, that does not mean we are the same. i’ll remind you.. there is a huge difference between someone who cooks and someone who is a chef.

when a director say.. christopher nolan releases a movie to the world.. his goal.. his hope is that as many people as possible see it. of course it is.. why would it not be? so what makes him different than the guy who hopes his video about everything he ate running a 4 hour marathon? hell, nolan wasn’t even the first person to make a batman movie. he’s not even the most recent. so why does he get to do something that someone else has done. what makes him so special? why is it bad that someone made a video about their day in the lift and someone else made a video about their day in the life. everyone can do it, so everyone should do it? who cares carl? but take that same logic, apply it to say.. idk.. open heart surgery.. imagine capcut for heart surgery? lol. i know i know i know.. its not the same.. of course its not the same.. but.. you get what im saying? this idea that just because you can, does it mean you have to?

i think all of this boiled over for me early in ‘23 when i started doing these videos where i would run with a film camera and join different run clubs in nyc.. i would shoot two rolls of film, shoot video on my iphone and then mixed it all together and called it “miles and film” - i got a few under my belt and was really enjoying the series.. then.. someone i “know” did the same thing, made a video about it and presented in a way that was giving very “this has never been done before” - i didn’t speak up publicly.. i just stopped doing them.. no one asked me to. but it just bothered me. like here is this very sort of “carl thing” that you know i do and instead of acknowledging it, you just made it your own and acted as if no one helped or inspired you? i think about this time i found out someone was contacting people who were also interviewing people while running and telling them to stop or saying “you stole my thing” - like imagine thinking you own interviewing.. nonetheless street interviews.. but even those, were clouded and presented in.. “if you do this, ill buy you this” and it all just very click baity to me.. all of it, just feels like its about money and revenue and audience growth.

maybe its just me.. how many times can i say that? maybe im just another cliche sad man on the internet upset that other people have joy. or… maybe im just tired of opening up my phone and being served a video from some who bought their following giving me advice on how to “hack” your content drive more views.. while myself being one of the current 47 views on said video about “growing on social” i’m sorry brad, i don’t want five easy ways to grow on social in 2024.. “oh.. i need to be using trending audio?” ok cool..

i think i might just be at a point where i want the thing that takes longer to make, is more expensive or less available. maybe i want things i enjoy to be less available. maybe i think missing out on moments is helpful. maybe realizing that thing that happens every week wasn’t “a movie” and it was just filmed by 47 people and spliced up a served to me on two different platforms because we’re friends and so im gonna see their videos twice.. because after all, “if you’re not re-purposing your content…” i know i know.. maybe i am just the guy in the corner of the room in that meme where everyone else is having fun saying “they dont know…” about a bunch of things.. or maybe im the one who will say out loud that i wish people knew they still be creative while also not feeling like they need to do the same thing they see everyone else doing for views..

maybe no one cares.. maybe most will open this piece and see how long it is and swipe away. maybe someone will be offended by this and unfollow me.. maybe they’ll never speak up about it.. maybe they’ll text someone about me and say “he’s so annoying” maybe none of that will happen and someone reading this will be all like “wow, he really thinks we think about him more than we do?” maybe none of this is even necessary.. the irony of being at war with short term dopamine hits from social media while seemingly knowing that this will be presented online in the form of a story that lasts 15 seconds and is served via a link that i want people to… yes.. click on.. is not lost on me at all…

but maybe to me its different because im not making any money from it and i know that? or maybe im better than everyone else because i wrote it and didn’t post it right away to get it out there? please understand my joke there.. im not better than anyone else.. i guess im just continuing this goal of writing things on my mind and worrying less about the opinions of so many people and more so just keeping the promise to myself of not keeping things inside so often?

what do you think? comment below on your favorite part of this one. and make sure to hit the subscribe button and also send this to a friend who might agree.. that was a joke btw.. i guess all im trying to say is i just wish things had more care and attention put in to them.. i don’t want any more quick fixes and i dont want hacks and i dont want things made fast and easy.. i dont wanna take a picture of my salad and put it on the internet anymore.. i guess i just wanna do things the hard way.. sue me. but again please by all means, express yourself how you see fit. i’m not here to gate keep.. maybe just consider this a plea to enjoy the quality more than the fast.. thats all./

me in december of 2015, the day i got a camera in my hands for a first time. fast forward eight years later, i still struggle with calling myself a photographer out of respect for the greats that came before me and my peers who continue to inspire me.

notes on the piece: the above writing was not edited by anyone, please don’t judge my mistakes. as always, this page will be a diary of streams of thought. i’m not worried about word count or phrasing. i’m worried about staying honest. i’ll understand if you don’t care for this one much but i have to believe in what i say, now more than ever. i’m not sure if the above even makes sense.. or if you’ll even care for it.. you might actually change your opinion on me because of it.. thats fine.. but.. maybe just now more than ever i think its relevant you know where i stand vs just who you want me to be. i’ll understand if you don’t like me anymore. i know i can be annoying. i promise you’ll see me less this year and i promise when you do see me it will be with way more intention..

thanks for reading.

carl. x.

ps.. i still enjoy a quick meme from time to time so please keep sending me those. :)