what if i died?

an unexpected but overdue reflection

* caution: the following piece deals with topics that some may find difficult to read.. please proceed with caution *

on the 23rd of may, i got a text from a friend asking if another friend had contacted me.. a moment later, said friend called my phone… what he said next hit me in a way i was not expecting.. it was the news that a friend of ours had passed away the night prior after collapsing on a run. our friend, was a pillar in our community, someone who made everyone else feel better as soon as they walked in the room.. in that moment i had no idea how to process the news. shocked? angry.. avoidant..? i had just landed on London and was there for work and was not capable of making my way back across the ocean.. the next couple days were full of emotions throughout the marathon weekend.. then on monday, the day after the london marathon, my friend called me to let me know his mother had passed away.. but he and his family saw it coming.. but obviously, that didnt make it any less easier..

it felt like coming out of those passings, two within a couple days of one another, mixed with so many emotions, highs & lows of race weekend, the right in to my own race weekend in copenhagen.. i found myself standing still from time to time. i would find myself just wanting to sit in silence, but even then it felt loud inside my head. i wanted to talk to everyone about it but felt like i had no one to talk to at the same time. how do we address death? the last time i was faced with this was summer of ‘23 when my biological mother passed away.. even then, that day i got the news and a couple hours later, got on a flight to Denver for work.

then one morning, i made my way to the water in the nordhavn neighbourhood of copenhagen.. with a coffee.. and in that moment, this question came to mind that silenced everything.. “what if i died?”

it’s heavy, i know.. but it came without warning.. and then i started to think about everything.. who gets notified first? who would it impact? what happens to my stuff? who takes care of my cats? who cancels my phone bill payments? what happens to my storage unit? does someone tell my bank? what happens to my name? who remembers it? who forgets it? how long would i be remembered? do i need a will? i found myself or my mind for that matter starting to ramble.. i got up and went for a walk to try and find some space from those thoughts.

for the rest of the trip to copenhagen, i found myself feeling a haze in my mind. i went for a run after that moment, met a friend for coffee, went for a swim to stand in the same spot i stood in a year ago and made the decision to go sober.. the next day, i found myself with a morning to spare before an afternoon flight to London for a quick work stint.. i woke up that morning to 3 drake albums and as part of the collection, he launched one album titled, ICEMAN, which on the second to last track “firm friends” there’s this portion where he’s addressing friendship and he says “most people die not knowin’ who would’ve stuck by they side.” which i remember hearing and it just forced me stop in my tracks. i thought about my friend from the running world who had passed and the reaction and how it all played out online. all the things people said about him.. did he know this? would he have wanted to know this is how so many people felt about him? was it too late? the emotions that have come from this line from this track has stuck with me.. and got me thinking further.

now, don’t get my wrong, i’m not against posting online about loved ones. there’s no right way to grieve, maybe their are wrong ways, but who’s to say? but does it change anything? could we have done better while he was still here? was it implied? did we waste time together? all of these thoughts came to mind and have been on my mind..

i think about my own life, the things i’ve said about people.. the things i’m not proud of. mistakes i’ve made. things i wish i could have done differently. i think about the moments i never got with him.. the moments i cut short.. for whatever reason. not even just him.. anyone in my life. the hangouts i cut short.. i think back to a few years ago seeing someone i had a falling out with and she told me about a time i had come to nyc and made plans to get a coffee with her.. to maximize my time in nyc, i had invited someone i wanted to introduce her to, to join the hangout.. they were both fairly new to nyc at the time and i thought i could perhaps make a new friendship happen. we all hung out and i thought nothing of it.. it wouldn’t be until years later she told me how much that hurt her feelings.. i remember that november night years ago like it was yesterday.. “i wasn’t there to meet your friend.. i was there for carl.” - this still sits with me.. and rocked much of the foundation of who i think i am. its this sort of thing where for a decade plus, i’ve heard from others “thanks for the introduction to..” or “i’m glad i got to meet.. so and so..” that i never once thought the intentions could be confused for anything other than this idea of trying to make the world feel smaller..

i think about things like that in respect to “what if i died?” - it’s hard to imagine there’d be people who wouldn’t care to see you’re gone. i think it’s even harder to imagine that people will say things about you that maybe they never told you in real life.. i think about the things i saw people write about our friend that passed away.. i was angry at the thought of maybe he never knew these things.. would he have wanted to keep those texts people shared private? do we get to share the things we send each other directly with the public once you’re no longer here? it’s like this concept of if we have a bad experience with a person or a dinner experience, a hotel.. whatever it may be.. we often seem more willing to tell others about how bad something was. how much we didn’t like this or that. we share with people a bad experience we have with someone or maybe how “i just don’t know about them” off of one.. maybe two interactions but yet.. when it comes to friends, we wait until they’re gone to share publicly how much they meant to us? how does that make sense?

there’s this feeling i have that trying to just simply exist nowadays, especially online is this thought that you could post something as simple as “i like the color blue” and you have to be met with comments or dm’s.. “what about the color yellow?” - what about it? i didn’t say anything about it? i just like blue.. - i think about that video that went somewhat viral where the person who made the video was talking about how the font of a cafe in london was “cosplaying as authentic” and even more commentary.. when in reality, it just turned out the owners child had written the cafe name? they edited the post but the damage or the harmful energy was shared first.. we’re so fast to say the negative thing but yet we wait until the sad part to say the nice thing? why? - in talking to a friend about this, they said “how come we never feel like after we hang out with someone and it was really great, do we not go online and say that? it’s like its been taught to us to not do so if it’s good, only if it’s bad.”

i suppose there may be some that just say.. “well that’s the internet, its not real?” but yet it’s real when we say nice things after someone’s passing? you tell me. it feels like this metaphor for the side by side of a trash can and recycling bin next to one another.. the trash always fills up faster than the recycling.. like we all know the recycling should be filled up more than it is.. we should be recycling.. we should be doing all we can to do the better thing.. we’re all taught to be nice.. “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.” - but yet.. the trash fills up faster.. is it just easier? go to the comments section of a restaurant.. the google reviews.. yes.. there’s some nice.. but why is it always heavier on the trash?

what is the point in joining the booing? why do we not fill up the recycling faster? is it because we see someone booing.. and think we need to boo as well? is it just easier to join the chorus than it is to sing a new song? why do we pile on? why do we insist on “well i heard” or “someone told me..” - while they’re here.. then when they’re gone, we pour out our heart for all the good they did? i think what hurt me in some capacity is the same type of person to reach for the negative first, would probably hate it themself to hear the negative things about them.. but is it even avoidable? i remember sometime last year, i went to share a screen shot of something i felt bothered by that was said to me to a mutual friend.. and they replied, “please do not send me screen shots of your private conversation.. do not involve me..” and i remember being so impressed and taken back by that.. they were right.. that was one of the most intelligent things i had heard in years..

who was i to try and sway this persons opinion of someone else? why was my solo interaction meant to sway their dynamic? is my one bad interaction worth ruining their friendship? was this game of telephone worth the end result for anyone? i’ve thought a lot about life and the “what is it all for?” deeper meaning since these two folks passed in my life recently and it’s honestly made me want just less and less in my life. less confrontation, less negativity.. less anger, less stress.. years ago an old boss of mine once told me that in customer experience in the form of say a customer writing in an email about their experience being bad.. regardless of if you agreed, people just want to be heard.. they want to feel listened to. and while it’s only natural to maybe say want to defend yourself as fast as your were slighted or attacked, in many ways, it’s what they wanted in the first place… the dopamine hit of a reaction.. they want to “win” - they want to be able to say “see, i told you they were wrong.. they were angry..”

but what if we met anger with silence? we’re told if you avoid confrontation or you are dismissive, you’re being passive aggressive or you’re immature.. you’re childish and you should act your age.. they bring how old you are in to the fold as a reason you should handle the thing they care about more, differently.. but what if it’s not that deep? what if i know you’re angry at me for something i have no clue about? what if the thing that is so important to you, is not worth the anger or stress to me..? what if you saying to me, something about you think i should do something differently is something i don’t want to argue about? so i just say “ok” - society will tell you i’m the one in the wrong.. but i’m willing to bet you the person who came up “avoidant detachment” was probably someone who was just told “ok” by someone they wanted to argue with.. because while the internet will tell you its “an insecure attachment style characterized by a deep-seated discomfort with emotional intimacy and an intense focus on self-reliance” - i would argue it’s not the case.. because i myself care deeply about emotional intimacy.. i care deeply about my friends.. i waste no chance to tell them i’m proud of them.. i waste no phone call or goodbye without saying “i love you.” - i shy away from no hug being offered by an old friend. i try very hard to be very active in my friends life. sure, i slip, sure i miss the mark.. but i’m human.. is failing not allowed? i’ve fallen down 9 times.. but i’ve gotten up 10 times.. that’s the point of this right? - which before i forget, i remember after the copenhagen marathon my friend claire gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me.. i remember in that moment just wanting to break down from everything.. but i held it together but it mattered so much to me.. there really is no feeling like making your friends proud.. and that moment, that hug is going to stay with me forever.

in thinking about this concept of “what if i died?” - i thought a lot about my mistakes.. the things i wish i could take back.. the moments i got it wrong.. but i tried to do the math on the outcome of intention vs interaction - the math is unmeasurable.. because the math is perspective. again, its the “i like blue” idea.. you go about your day having this thought that you’re just sharing the thing you like while having no idea you’ve upset the people who love the color green.. but yet the “i like green” people will tell the “i like purple” people “you know carl? i heard he doesn’t like purple.” and now the “i like purple” crowd hates me.. meanwhile, i love purple because it makes me think of my first time going to the University of Washington campus and seeing husky gear everywhere.. and now when i see someone irl, in a UW shirt, i say “go dawgs!” - but because the person i said that to, isn’t part of the “i like purple crowd” - that group still hates me.. i suppose maybe it’s easier to be part of the “i heard” crowd than it is the “i learned for myself” crowd.. but that’s maybe where the math on intention vs interaction may seem simple.. and while i believe myself on this, i understand there are some examples where it’s possible to get it wrong.. take the “people” music from the 1975.. in it, the lead singer matty healy blows himself up via vest, to explode in to the icons of likes and heart icons on social media.. i can imagine that was his artistic way of having some form of commentary on virality and the depths some go to go viral.. but then there’s the known context missing.. the band, from manchester.. site of the terrorist attack at the concert of ariana grande.. matty would go on to address this on “human too” years later… on the bands next album.. that maybe he got ahead of himself.. he said once “I'd created this character for myself. This self-deprecating Pied Piper of a young guy. Then I became that.”- now of course he’s not the only person to get ahead of himself or out jump his skies.. but he did so on a public scale.. but he apologized.. but do we still hold it against him? whose to say.

when i got back from my trip, i found myself again distracted, taking the time to dive back in to work, to let go of the worry i was holding on to about this.. i threw myself in to catching up on projects, videos.. editing.. and at a certain point, i kind of just found myself again in this “what is this all for?” “what am i even doing?” - it felt like it was somewhat all pointless because it could also possibly be misunderstood? there’s this very real thought i cant seem to escape since sitting down in copenhagen to reflect on all this.. but it’s this struggle of why even do this for it to not even be cared for as much as i want it to? this pain in feeling like “well don’t even make that thing because they won’t care about it now.. but when you pass away, they will.” - for instance.. and no.. i am very much not comparing myself.. so please do not get me wrong.. but i asked google if van gogh was famous when he was alive..

now again.. let me state for the “i like purple” crowd.. i AM NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO VAN GOGH… but think about that.. one of the most famous, most known, painter of one of the most well known pieces of art work, passed away knowing none of this..? is that just life? is that just the way it’s supposed to be? i’m no expert i know but i’m willing to guess, he’d have probably loved to know what people thought about his work when he was alive.. or was it his death that made the work important? is it the bad before the good? is it all just so those who add to the trash can one day add to the recycling and say “i always loved Van!”

i myself, i know what people say about me.. i know what some folks think of me.. i hear the things that are said about me.. and one of the hardest parts are i’ve seen the things people have said about me.. all while they still reach out.. and go about life, without knowing i know.. but then recently i removed someone from my life and they confronted me and told me they hoped that they hope i healed from whatever was hurting me.. which.. A. lol.. i barely knew them.. but B. i removed them because of what was said about me by them to another friend of mine.. and instead of accepting it when confronted and apologizing they responded by saying “well so and so said…” like.. lol.. ok.. im sorry but im not engaging with you. i’m moving on.. i think it’s important to understand the “i heard” crowd are the ones who care to add to the trash before the recycling.. and i myself want less trash in my own life.

it’s brought me personally to a really almost stagnant place in my life the past month as i try to accept this reality that truly nothing is up to us once we pass. our stuff is no longer ours.. the bills will stack up until they don’t.. your phone doesn’t go with you.. the pieces of content in your drafts will never see the light of day.. everything i am worrying about, i know it’s out of my hands.. everything is temporary.. it feels harder and harder to accept we can truly never own anything.. like, i can’t be the only one who has laid in bed to go to bed only to think about that one tee they haven’t seen in months only to get up and tear their closet apart to find it.. and for what? we don’t even wear it the next day.. so why do we all do that? is it the feeling of lack of control? is it this idea of feeling like the thing we own may no longer be ours?

i asked myself recently, “what even is the point of worrying about anything anymore?” - but maybe it’s all a matter of just getting to this point where it’s not exactly about not worrying but rather choosing to focus more on the good.. to make sure we don’t waste a moment on worry.. on stress.. maybe it’s about choosing to add to the recycling rather than joining the trash.. maybe it’s just refusing to not care about how much the “i love green” crowd hates how much you love blue and loving blue even deeper.. maybe it’s about getting closer to your heart.. maybe it’s about being so intensely connected to your own heart that anyone who loves you never has a single doubt in theirs about how you felt about them when you pass.. maybe part of life is worrying less about “everyone” and instead giving attention to your people.. to the people who know your heart.. to the people whose full name is in your phone.. to the ones who never worried about if they “followed” you back on the internet.. because your relationship was deeper than free app on a phone bill you’re not responsible for..

maybe life is better when we worry less about the words we read about us and rather give more weight to the words we heard ourself because we were with the ones who loved us the most? in writing this piece i found myself listening to revisiting the “daisies” performance from justin bieber at this years coachella.. before closing out his set he says.. “coachella, you guys have been incredible tonight.. thank you so much for being here.. you guys have my heart.. i hope you guys drive home safe.. drink some water..i love spending this time with you.. give it up for mkgee..” and i just think it’s so beautiful.. i don’t need to revisit the history of JB in the press, in the publics eye.. the things said about him.. the things thought of him.. and i can’t help but that think what if that was it? what if thats the last performance we had gotten from him.. he spent his last performance choosing to be kind.. to spread love and positivity.. to give thanks to a fellow artist.. he took no time to yell at anyone for anything they’ve said about him.. to him.. he was choosing good.. he was refusing to add to the trash..

i know for a fact, ive given too much of my time, my life for that matter worrying.. stressing about the things i can’t control.. being hurt by being unfollowed.. caring immensely about being “liked” - to talk again about the drake albums.. there’s another line i can’t help but revisit over and over again on “burning bridges” where he says.. “burning bridges is ok.. i’d rather take the long way..” - i feel this lately beyond just a perceived tone of anger.. i view it more of a “let me just go my way.. regardless of your perception of me.” - in a way it feels almost freeing to worry less.

sitting here today, thinking about the last couple years, the ups and the downs, i’m reminded of a conversation i had recently with my father.. we talked about the way life has played out.. the butterfly effect of it all. what was it that got us here? the decisions we all make in our life to connect our paths.. what did i do in my life to afford me the opportunities i’ve had? what happened that gave me the chance to do and see the things ive seen.. i’ve seen the sun set in more countries that i ever imagined, i’ve sailed the pacific, spent time with strangers in South Korea over dinner multiple times.. i’ve had conversations with professors, sat and listened to women talk about the things they’re passionate about. i’ve felt the embrace of a strangers compassion after watching france make the world cup final in 2022, i’ve had the chance to see friends follow their dreams, watch them raise their kids from toddlers to high school graduates. i’ve seen friends get divorced and remarried - which i’d argue is one of the most beautiful things.. to see them find their person.. i’ve cried for no reason as i watched the rain fall over the mountains, i’ve felt the pain of heartbreak, i’ve had A5 waygu in kyoto, i’ve been kicked while i was down and got back up more times than i care to ever revisit.. i served my country in the military.. i’ve done so much and yet, it all has felt like not enough..

i find myself guilty of thinking, ok, i made it to this country once for my own trip.. now how can i go there again, longer.. how can i make it about xyz? - rarely have i the moment taken the chance or time to stand there in that moment, full of gratitude for the fact i’m even there to begin with? never in my wildest dreams did i ever imagine i’d be able to say i’ve done all i’ve done and with who i’ve gotten to do it with.. i’ve spent too much time worrying about what else, what’s next, how much more.. when i know i need to just focus on what about right now? what about this current moment in time. give care and attention to present, to whats in front of me.. not behind, or in front of my.. care less about what’s said about me that’s ultimately out of my control.. decide to live a life that’s about care for who cares about me.. again, to not waste a moment making sure my friends and those who love me and i love back know that.. to make sure that when that day comes, where maybe i am no longer here, there’s not a single doubt in my friends minds of how i felt about them and how they felt about me.. it feels important to live a life where i’m not worried about being famous later, or even right now.. to live a life regardless of feedback or impressions, or likes, or engagement.. money comes and money goes, you take nothing with you, but the legacy of what you leave behind in others hearts is more valuable.

i’m aware you can’t get it right every single time.. i know i’ll miss a moment or two.. and even choosing to live a life that has less anger, less aggression, to chose to not hold a grudge.. it’s inevitable i’ll fail again.. hell, probably a few times.. but i know it will never be on purpose. but i cannot given space to the battle of intention vs interaction. i think about my time with spent with my friend who passed away and i’m choosing to let go of the “what if?” of our time together and instead i’m choosing to remember the “i loved when..” for instance, i loved when he would go crazy about his sports teams.. or i loved when he walked with me during my 24 hour marathon last year and told me the things he told me about being a veteran like me.. there was even this one time that makes me laugh so much.. he was going off about his team in a whatsapp group and the messages were crazy.. his passion was on full display.. and as fast as he could type them, as moderator of the chat, i felt a responsibility to delete them.. but so many of us laughed about it later.. because we loved him. we loved his passion.. we understood the difference between intention vs interaction.. it’s hard to accept that he’s “gone” because he still feels very present.. his love of the knicks feels so relevant.. he would have loved this moment in time.. he would have been the loudest and the proudest.. and then i found myself in brooklyn, outside in the streets moments after the knicks won.. just telling myself, “i wish he was here for this..” but then in that same moment, i realized he was.. because part of him lives with me.. and part of him lives on in so many of our shared friends and in their experience of that very moment wherever they were in the world, he was there with them.. he was on their mind and in their heart.. no one who loves him was thinking about the crazy texts.. no one was thinking about the things he said about their sports teams in good fun.. but they did care that he was no longer with us and its my believe that only forced us to love him more.. because it’s what he would have wanted..

you see i think the thing is.. we have no say in what others say about us.. we have no control of where our things go, what happens to our cellphone bill, what people whose messages go to our spam inbox.. it’s that quote from tom holland..

"If you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me."

i know i myself have given way too much time worrying about things i cannot control.. and reflecting on that moment in copenhagen.. asking myself, “what if i died?” i find myself choosing to make sure that from this very moment, i let the past be the past.. i remember the quote from tenet.. “"What's happened, happened.” and make it a point to go forward with intention of loving right now.. in that very moment. i know i’ll do so with a lot of regret.. i’ll try to brush it off, i’ll try to let it go.. i forever wonder what i could have done differently, what i could have done better? but in the end, i think knowing that and letting it hold me back are two different things.. i’m choosing to not let it do so.

there was a moment over the last few weeks where i felt silly for stressing about what was said about me behind my back.. like of all the things to worry about, why that? why the thing you cannot control.. and especially when there’s so much more to give your heart and energy to. i think about the things i saw people say about our friend after he passed and i think it taught me an important lesson.. to not wait, to choose to make sure we give our friends and our loved ones the most of us while we’re still here.. in the end, who cares about the “stuff” the shirt we panic about at midnight, only to never wear.. the cell phone bill.. the camera gear, my laptop, all of it.. and none of it matters as much as we leave our friends feeling when we’re gone..

i had one call with a friend just days after it happened and while in tears she asked “did he know i was always joking? did he know i actually loved him?” and i said.. “he does and he did.. and knowing him, he’ll probably find someway to make sure he gets one last dig at ya to remind you he loves you.. “ and you know what? he did.. his team swept hers in the playoffs.. and how can you not find that funny if you know him?

i’m not sure really what happens when all ends.. i don’t have the answers to what happens when we pass away but i know one day i will.. and it’s not that i’m ready for it to happen, i think it’s realizing i’m at peace with it when it happens.. it’s not up to us.. but what we can control is what we do while we’re here.. in how we love our friends, our family and anyone we may come in to contact with.. we have to chose peace.. we have to lead with love and good intentions.. and that’s already started for me.. and will continue.. i love my friends, i love my family and i love the life i’ve for some reason been given the opportunity to live.. and i do not want to waste another second of it.. i know it’s a bit heavy to think about “what if i died?” but we all grieve in our own way and having two people pass in your life in the span of days apart from one another makes you think things differently.. so now we have to live differently..

talk soon. x.

carl.