sometimes you just need to leave someone alone

its not you, its not me. its us.

there’s this part in season 3 of house of cards, episode seven “chapter 33” at the 44:31 mark that made me hit pause and rewind to listen to it again.. two characters are talking about a moment in time and one of them keeps asking the other things that one of them just doesn’t want to discuss. so they turn to that person and say “sometimes you just need to leave someone alone.” to which the other person says “all right, i got the hint.” and then the first person says “i meant him. not me.” - now in the context of the story its more so about a journalist wanting to know something about the president.. so its not an exact reference nor does it relate to me in that way. it was more so what thomas yates (played by paul sparks) says “sometimes you just need to leave someone alone.” that made me pause.

there’s this very real, very common thing i would be willing to put money on that all of us if not a heavy majority of us have gone through. its those shifts in energy between you and a friend. that almost seemingly out of nowhere moment that occurs where you just stop and realize its been forever since you’ve not only heard from someone but also its been a long time since you reached out to them. its almost never really a once sided affair. both parties tend to be fading. sometimes it is sparked by a moment in time and sometimes its just organic to the balance of time and the constant changing of time in our life.

i wrote once about this feeling of sometimes feeling like i was the person who always had to reach out. that was more so about a feeling of being the friend that was keeping the friendship alive. this is different. this is about that feeling you have deep inside you that it’s over and how much it fucking sucks. let this video below sort of do some of the explaining for me if you’re confused so far…

i was explaining to someone a while ago about a relationship in my life that went so very south years ago and what i landed on was this idea that me and this person were flying together, like two planes synced up.. and at some point i like started flying this other direction, like we got to same crosswalk and just went different directions, and without thought, i just imagined the person was gonna fly with me, we were a team, why would not go the same direction? it felt natural to me. i found myself having this feeling of altering course to sync back up with them. then.. before i knew it i looked to my right and they were gone.. they themself had started going another direction.. eventually we synced back up. this would go on for a while. it felt like it was just full in sync. then before i knew it, we were both just flying in different directions. neither of us on the original route. it was then that i realized our plans were different. and that hurt. i felt like a horrible person. was there miscommunication on my end? of course.but did they as well? like where did this all start? was the true root of the problem in the fact then we didn’t take off together with the same plan? was it just the fact that we bumped in to each other our individual flights and just forget to make sure we had the same mission plan? the idea that this all my fault recked me. in many ways, it’s changed so much about how i communicate with people.. i know now more than ever that just because we exist at the same time, it does not mean we’re heading the same way.

i know people and relationships are a little more complex than a couple planes flying in the sky but there’s a “there there” as a friend likes to say. its this larger idea that relationships can be boiled down to a mission plan. you and i exist at the same and you and i have a common goal or bond. i am going this way in life, are you? no, ok! i’ll see you out there but maybe right now, we go separate ways? again, this isn’t “you’re going to dallas, and im going seattle, so BYE!.. i’m trying to find the words.. but you get it right? like.. im talking those deep bonds we have with people. those dynamics, relationships that are our pinned messages. our top 8 on myspace, the people who show up first in our ig highlights.. the people who know your holiday plans before the internet. the person you tell news to. not the person who hears about your news.. the people in our life who are not just “other planes” to us.

there’s this LANY song called “13” off their first record that has this beautiful line..

Where did we go wrong? I know we started out alright
Where did we go wrong? I swear I knew we'd last this time
Where did we go wrong? Oh, did you, did you change your mind?

and while that song is (i think) about more of a like “dating” relationship or maybe somewhat on the surface more intimate.. i would argue that our close friendships are in some ways just as intimate or maybe even more so. like, i truly believe the deep connections we have with friends are so deeply intimate and that in many ways, they’re capable of hurting us even more than say a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.. whatever you prefer..

there’s so sort of disarming that happens with friends. an unspoken agreement that you’re my friend, i’m going to drop these walls. i have nothing to be afraid of right? right?

i think we all know the feeling.. there’s just something so painful about knowing things are changing. things have changed. it sucks more when you notice it happening and that part of your heart where that person resides just doesn’t beat the same. that jump in your heart no longer kicks the same. and before you know it, its gone. to lose the spark for a friend is so hard to stomach for me. like here you are, this person that brought me so much light, so much joy.. your in my phone so much my photo album registered your face without me having to ask it to. its so hard to accept that at some point you changed from “are a part of my life” to “were a part of my life” and… then to make matters even worse, if that person sees the same thing.. they may have such a different side of the story than yours and you’d have no idea. like, the hard part is knowing that in their mind, they’re the good guy in all of this. and before you say “there doesn’t have to be a good or bad guy carl.” yes there does. in this dynamic there is. in the dynamic of the relationships that feel like laying in on the couch in the summer at 6:04pm with all the windows open.. and the sounds of the most purist summer existing outside.. those types of dynamics in friends.. there is a bad and there is a good. you cannot convince me other wise.

to that person, they are the good one and to you, you are the good. its ok. its natural. it’s fully understandable that the other person’s course is right.. and that you are the one that went off course. i know. its all up in the air, i know. maybe no one is right or wrong but there is a good and a bad. it exists and its ok. i’d even accept that for that person who in their mind (even myself) that they need to make you the bad guy in order for them to continue their mission.

maybe having someone to point at and say “that’s the person who took me off course” gives them some sort of comfort in maybe not being where we want to be at that moment in time… on that same LANY album this track “hericane” has this perfect summary of that feeling..

Caught in the midst of your insecure winds
Breakin' us down and wearin' us thin
But I love you still, I always will
But you're the one in the wrong

the pain of losing a friend.. the pain that comes with knowing its over.. the pain in knowing that you’ve course altered yourself so many times to maintain this dynamic has run its course and to save yourself, and maintain the energy you have left, you just can no longer fly back to them.. that hurts so fucking much. nothing is harder to accept in friendship that sometimes you have to just let them fly towards sunset while you carry on towards sunrise. and sure.. maybe you’ll sync back up naturally at some point along the way but you’ll know then its just a moment in passing.. nothing less. nothing more.

there was this moment years ago.. god, i feel like i’ve lost track of the exact time.. but i was a horrible friend to someone.. like for no reason at all in anything that he did.. it was so much a result of what was going with me at the time and he for whatever reason was who i took it out on.. we were distant for a while until one time we had the chance to catch up in person and i apologized.. i was so embarrassed, it was humiliating. i remember in that moment feeling like this guy had every right to hear me out and then never speak to me again. it would have been fully justified. he owed me nothing.. like nothing. really, he didn’t even need to hear me out.. but he did and to this day, he cares for me, checks in on me and i know he knows im gonna fly beside him forever. he never has to doubt that.. and i for years now as a result of being vulnerable and putting my pride to the side have been able to watch him blossom in to an unbelievable human. and the feeling of being on his wing is one i’ll never take for granted.

before that moment.. this was early 2011, my best friend ryan and i were roommates and as a result of something dumb on my end and me being all of 25 thought i knew everything.. i let my pride get in the way… and before i knew it we were one flash point away from coming to blows… which btw, he’d have no doubt cleaned my clock if we did… hours later, we took a walk to get some money out of an atm (why, i dont even remember at this point) and it was maybe all of 3 blocks away from our apartment at the time, and before we even made it back to the apartment, we stopped in the parking lot just off delmar blvd in st. louis and we just all at once, put our swords down, shields, shoulder pads.. all of it.. and talked to one another. he talked, i talked, he talked, i listened.. he listened.. we cried.. we aired it out… the worst moment in our friendship lead to one of the most beautiful moments i’ve ever had with another man, let alone a friend. that moment put us on the same course for the rest of our lives. no matter the time, i know that i can look to my left or right and he will be there..

you might be asking, what me being an absolute moron has anything to do with friendships ending.. i’m trying to relay that i have had ample chances to be the bad guy in other peoples story and both of those instances have been well deserved if they would have chosen to continue flying without me. i dont know.. maybe what im trying to say is to me its important that i know, you know that i am not perfect.. not now, not going forward and not previously.. someone said to me recently, there’s a difference between a pattern and a mistake. and mistakes ive made plenty.. i am capable of knowing the difference between me fucking up and something just running its course. i just want you to know, i know the difference ok?

as i write this, its hard to even stomach that right now.. i am that person to someone else.. i might very well be that person someone is letting head towards the sunset.. and thats hard. it’s hard to know you don’t something is failing.. and who knows.. maybe we come back from all this at some point.. maybe there is a point where we both land, climb down from our jets and see other as we walk away from the vessel that carried us on our mission, and we stop there.. in the parking lot, put our armor down and take turns talking and listening.. who knows.. but until that moment, i wish you a safe journey.. i’m gonna turn off your tracking beacon in the meantime but from the part of my heart you used to exist in just know that i hope you reach your sunrise in one piece.. no matter how long it takes you.

me on november 7th, 2023 at like 3:53pm in the bathroom of a spot near the luxembourg gardens while i was in paris with maya and nat.

notes on the piece: the above writing was not edited by anyone, please don’t judge my mistakes. as always, this page will be a diary of streams of thought. i’m not worried about word count or phrasing. i’m worried about staying honest. i’ll understand if you don’t care for this one much but i have to believe in what i say, now more than ever. i’m not sure if the above even makes sense.. i just need to acknowledge the flight i was on may not be the same as others.. and thats ok.. ok?

thanks for reading.

carl. x.

ps.. i started this on december 8th at like 10:25pm.. wrote a few paragraphs then put it down, picked it back up a couple days later then finished it tonight on december 20th at like 10:51pm.. and i’ve been listening to “good to know” by sadie jean for like the last hour.

also.. real quick.. this is the last piece in 2023. thank you for being here. the 203 of you that are here mean so much to me and while i may not know all of you personally.. please just know i am grateful.. like so damn grateful. see you again in the new year.

be safe!