roses just ain't roses anymore

moving on and getting over are not the same it seems..

i used to have this friend.. well, wait, sorry.. he’s still my friend.. i shouldn’t have said that.. what i meant was, like we used to spend a lot of time together. we were in the air force together. we were at our first base together. our dorm rooms were right near each other. we spent a lot of time together. he hated me when he first met me. “i remember seeing you at a dorm party and i hated that everyone liked you. that made me not like you.” he told me one day.. we got over it. we were inseparable. we ended up in south korea together. we spent a lot of time there together. we saw each other a lot on the east coast as well. we shared a lot of drinks together.. he’s sober now. has been for a while. i think about us spending time together again.. we haven’t since he went sober. i’d be fine with it. like, actually.. in fact, i don’t even know if im comfortable saying “i’d be fine with it.” like it’s not my call.. but also, when i was thinking about this piece, idk what made him come to mind.. but he did. what i realized was, with him.. it was never really about the “drinks” it was the company. i couldn’t tell you a single drink that stands out in his company, but i can recall a million stories.. maybe that was the point of it all? i don’t know what made me think of that.. anyways..

hi.. how are you? where are you? i’m fine, yeah.. it’s been a while i know. like legit, 68 days been a while.. i was trying to get a couple pieces out early in the year but life ya know? i had this piece about something i liked every day last year but it got behind and well, now it just feels too late.. i was also working on this piece about running in to an ex. it was called “what if i saw her again?” but that got put on ice. not because it felt too late but because i think it felt.. like i was giving them power.. and for what, ya know? sometimes i think about the things we do to either give them space, even in rooms they’re not in.. like sometimes it’s almost on accident.. you’re with someone and they say “have you ever been to xyz?” and like, they know the ex.. so if you say “yes but i haven’t been in a while.” it’s like.. i know you know who i went with last.. but like i dont wanna say her name.. but you know who i’m talking about, so now we’re both thinking about her.. damnit.. anyways, you get the idea.. i think i just felt like i didn’t want them to think i was thinking about them.. who are they? yea.. exactly.. who am i even talking about?

anyways.. yeah, so basically one thing after another to start the year and then i found myself in hawaii and i was working a lot then i got back and then i was busy again and then i went for a run and slept in one day and idk man, i just got behind.. but then.. something happened and i was like “i need to write about this because i was already sort of here but like now im like really here, carl write about it.” so here we are. good news is though, there’s a lot to catch up and i think according to my “metrics” lol, there’s some new folks here, so.. first let me just say, hello. welcome. thank you for joining us here. this is my “blog” - it’s kinda basically me just talking to myself.. or like what i sort of imagine is the sort of real life version of us grabbing coffee and you ask “what’s on your mind?” and i just talk for like 10-15 minutes non stop, only to regret it later and think while i’m cutting my vegetables, “did i talk too much?:” good news also is that you can x out at any point or turn away.. it won’t hurt me i promise..

ok.. well shall we? roses just ain’t rose anymore, what’s that even mean?

in 2010 i was living in california, a town called roseville to be exact, just outside sacramento and it was in the height of torrents.. and on occasion id find some random title of something and find interest in it and download it.. you see in this era i was also watching mad men, the amc show so when a random show title popped up in my search with “amc” attached to it, i had no choice but to check it out.. that show would go on to be a show titled, “rubicon” - i instantly felt like ‘wow, i found my show!” this show was perfect. i started talking to friends about it, no one else was watching.. then fast forward to a couple months ago, i thought randomly for no reason at all.. “i need to watch rubicon again.” so i found it, put it on.. and well.. yeah.. boring. bye bye.. bye bye.. ttyl rubicon.. ok, im being harsh.. it’s actually an amazing first watch. the end.. WOW. like, i still remember it and it’s been a lot of years.. but on second watch…? meh, not my thing. then i started thinking about other moments in my life like that.

i recalled this moment where i was talking to someone and i said “i feel like i need to go to maketto soon.” and they said “what’s maketto?” - now very quickly, if you were in dc in 2016, it’s gonna be hard for me to truly explain that that response felt like but quickly, maketto was THE place.. like it was a first of it’s kind in dc.. heck the country.. it was a creative hub in the district. it was perfect. i remember once they hosted this event called “IRL” and basically it was just an open invite to all creatives in the area.. it must have brought like 300 people out to this spot.. it was dynamic.. it was the first time i’d ever seen anything like it.. i was hooked. but now when i think about it, i don’t know if i’ve seen anyone i know even there in the last few years.. maybe that’s not a knock on maketto but maybe it’s just a circumstance of things changing?

what sparked this whole piece was, i had dinner plans for a meeting to this place here in dc called roses luxury, and again, if you were there, in this places “prime” you know it’s importance.. they essentially launched “line up” culture in dc dining. no reservations, first come first serve. they would go on to open two different establishments, both being “must visit” places.. anyways.. its been years since i had been to rose luxery, so for this dinner, a meeting.. i was like “oh, i know a cool spot!” so i snagged an early table.. 5:45pm.. it was a work dinner after all.. the day prior to the dinner, the meeting gets pushed.. that morning, i’m thinking what to do with the reservations.. ultimately i decide to just cancel them.. go on to their resy and notice “cancel fee: $75 per person..” ok well, now i’m just gonna go and see if i can convince them to not charge me.. i show up, “Reservation for carl?” “yes, is it still two?” “just one” i reply without explanation.. “no problem, right this way..”

i’m sat upstairs in the bar, a place i’ve been before.. it feels the same. it feels very green. very dark. “ok this isn’t so bad.” i think to myself.. “Hey man! welcome” - says the bartender with long hair and more energy than i was ready for.. “how are you?” - “fine, thank you!, yourself?” i reply. “I’m doing well! yeah man!” “have you been with us before?” “i have but’s been a few years!” “awesome! so some things have changed…” oh ffs… the menu is gonna be boring… nope.. “so we’re a fixed menu.. it’s $128/person and if you want a drink pairing.. it’s $75 more” - well, shit.. so basicaly, after tax, im spending the same $150 i would have if i just stayed home? ya know what, it’s fine.. you’ve been working hard, take a night off.. enjoy it carl? false. now i’m just annoyed.

we walk through the menu, you pick a vegetable, a pasta and a meat dish.. but upon inspection, i’m seeing a second vegetable dish i wan’t so i’ll order more and get my money worth.. “yeah man, we got some systems set up to allow you to get more off the menu, i got you!” cool… first dish comes.. “and a little gift from the kitchen, a sample of the ___ dish.. “ in my head im like.. sample? i didnt want a sample, i wanted the whole thing.. now i’m annoyeder… (not a word, i know) - second dish comes.. the pasta.. this is gonna be massive.. false.. it was like 9 bites.. now i’m thinking about the google review.. third dish comes… couldn’t even finish it… too much seasoning.. desert? too much on the plate, i’ll take it to-go please.. “we wanted to give you a little gift for dining with us tonight.. “ it was an adult drink.. don’t even remember it..

now hold on… before you think i’m being harsh.. or entitled.. or say “first world problems” please understand, i know.. and in fact.. everything was so good. the too much seasoning was on a fries dish and in the end, i was just overwhelmed with the amount.. i enjoyed every bite and would even go back, given the chance. but i left the spot and made my way home and thought to myself.. “roses just ain’t roses anymore” but upon reflection, maybe carl in 2016 isn’t carl of 2016 anymore? maybe i just changed? maybe it was never that great? maybe i just bought in to the hype? “oh that place sounds cool. you gotta stand in line before they even open to try and get a table?” so cool! sigh.. i know..

john mayer has this song called “speak for me” and it opens with…

“Now the cover of a Rolling Stone
Ain't the cover of a Rolling Stone
And the music on my radio
Ain't supposed to make me feel alone”

and while i think i thought i knew what that meant in the time that he released it.. i believe now i feel those lyrics on a deeper level. it’s not that roses changed. i changed. i didn’t become better than it.. i just changed why i liked. or what i find interesting.. i think i wrote about this once before but i have this place in nyc that i always go to called st. jardim and i was there once and a friend called me before i sat down and i said i was about to sit down… and he asked “where at? let me guess.. st. jardim?” and then he proceeded to call me a one trick poney.. it annoyed the shit out of me then but now i sort of love that he thought that. i think i’m my simplest form now. or you could say i’m in my “simple era” - maybe im boring? maybe im just not impressed? or maybe i just don’t require a lot. i wear the same like 4 outfits.. i wear the same white pants from rowing blazers that ive had for like 6 years.. maybe im just in my “dad no kids” era.. maybe i just don’t care so much about the things that once impressed me?

or maybe, roses just isn’t for me anymore? to the person who moved to washington dc today from somewhere not here, maybe roses is the coolest thing ever.. and maybe that was me in 2016? maybe all of the asterisk-esque restaurants of yesterday for me are just no longer impressive? i don’t wanna have to know the code 4 days in advance to log-in to reddit to ask the moderator for a reservation 6 months from now..

maybe it’s just as simple as failing to understand it was never about the drinks… it was about the company? maybe it wasn’t about standing in line? maybe it was about who i was sitting next to? i wonder what i would have done if i saw her there?

anyways.. that was just on my mind.. i know you’d ask but.. ya know..? anyways, how are you?

talk soon. x.

carl.