knowing the difference, could make all the difference

letting go in copenhagen...

quite literally one year ago, i published a piece here called “the marathons left me” - it was in short about being done with the marathon, about coming to terms with my place in this sport.. it was honest. i was honest about that.. but i left a large piece out of it. i had avoided the part about going sober about the decision to clean myself up.. in many ways it was the start of a very quiet war within myself. and it was the start of a year i had no idea would look so wildly different today..

before we go forward, i wanna share something from 2014.. i at the time was dating someone and for the life of me, could not even tell you what we were fighting about.. like i have tried for 12 years to recall it.. i can’t.. but in the heat of the moment, this person said to me.. “if you weren’t with me, you’d be broke and fat!” - and to this day, that still stings.. sure time has healed in some regard but self image, self identity has for a decade plus kept that in the back of my mind. while we haven’t been together for over half that time, her words still haunt me. money,.. eh.. i’m not so hung up on.. that comes and goes.. it was more so the comments about my body. it’s something i have always been at odds with. for example, i quite literally remember two moments in my life.. one, of them being when i was in 7th grade and we had just finished basketball practice in middle school and some of the other guys had no shirt on. they were in the 8th grade and i remember noticing they were fit and had abs even back then.. i looked at my stomach and felt like i had a belly.. mind you, i was about 95 lbs by 7th grade year. the next, i was sitting at my family computer listening to bands on an st. louis punk scene music forum.. and felt like i could feel as though i had rolls in my stomach.. i was maybe all of 135lbs.. so basically, what i’m trying to say is i’ve always been really insecure about this thing.

which brings us to last year, finishing that marathon, in the worst shape of my life.. i was beside myself.. in that piece, i focused mainly about the marathon but that was the final straw for me. i knew then leaving copenhagen a year ago, i needed to make a change. i had left feeling embarrassed.. somewhat rejected and honestly, so unattractive and unappealing. it was a feeling i was so disappointed in. and even though that women and i haven’t talked in i don’t even know how long.. my interactions with other women, made me feel like they felt the same way she did.. it was a hard pill to swallow, so i left that city and that trip with my head down in shame..

i landed back in the states and worked out the next day, and from then on, it just continued.. but i didn’t want to rush “fit” i was not looking for an overnight fix, i wanted prolonged change. i wanted a better life, i wanted a new normal. we started running and we kept running.. and running and running.. the diet cleaned up and we stayed sober.. and before we knew it, we were back in copenhagen.. four months sober, 20+ lbs lighter and for the most part feeling better about things.. but still so far from where we wanted to be. standing in front of women, i could feel some confidence coming back but still part of me felt like all they did was still see that same version from four months prior. it ate at me.. but we pressed on were still proud of the progress we had made, so we shared it publicly. i had made this commentary about wanting to feel comfortable with my shirt off in public.. and did just that by going for a swim.. and that story found its way to the folks behind the copenhagen marathon and while there, they invited me to run the race with in may of 2026.. and we said yes..

after an insane and chaotic final few months to the year, we woke up on new years day and went for a run. and it was rough. i knew i was in for a tough road. i had made it public i was running, so it felt like we needed to run. we hired a coach.. we followed their plan.. we missed only but a few workouts along the way, training in multiple countries, dubai, india, saudi arabia, england.. more states than i can remember and with all that, doing so while continuing to stay sober.. before we knew it.. things just started to click..

before getting to copenhagen, we made our way to london for the marathon and was able to stay there after, allowing us the chance to work on our taper, with less distraction and more of a calm mind.. we would end up then being able to make our way to denmark a whole week before the marathon, needing only to adjust to a 1 hour time difference and we were very rested.. sunday would be here before i knew and yet we couldn’t help but think about the year we had had, and in many ways, the 12 years of living with that phrase said to me by that women.

but then something happened.. we started see friends.. we were at events where men and women both attended.. and i found myself being embraced by the women in this community in a way i hadn’t felt in a really long time. everything platonic but yet, endearing.. they had a softness to them.. as friends from american also arrived, they were incredibly kind and made me feel about myself a way, i was not familiar with for some time now. it was very sweet and yet, i still found myself, hiding behind a coat and all black. but with each interaction, each day, i found myself wondering what i had ever been so down on myself about.. they made me feel very loved and very cared for. almost overnight, the jacket started to be left at home or thrown on the back of a chair. with every hug and warm hello, i found a new version of carl emerging.

then it came time for race day, which would bring with it a whole new experience, allowing a friend to come to come to my hotel to document my morning. she turned the camera on and i just went about my morning.. two days before that, an artist i love named patrick droney released a tune called “back in my body” and in it he says

“i took the long way, oh but it’s ok.. i’m back in my body.”

and i had it on repeat for a couple days since then.. and then while nik was there, i played it while getting ready.. i was a few moments ahead of him as i begun to explain how good that line and as it came up.. i sang along and that was it.. that was the final straw.. i broke.. it was all right there.. front of mind, front of heart and i could not contain it any longer.. i had held so much in for so long, i had held that knife to my heart.. the words that person said to me 12 years ago.. that held me at knife point, so much so i had started to believe her.. but in this moment, a mere couple of hours from taking on the marathon again.. i was letting it go. i was letting her go.

the thing about that moment is that before then i had heard that song what felt like a hundred times on repeat over the weekend and never had that reaction but it felt as though listening to it in that context changed its meaning.. it felt as though i had unlocked something i had the key to all along.

i would make my way to the race a different person than the me who raced a 13 months in paris. i was not the same person. i was sober, 35lbs lighter, clear headed and no longer carrying those words. i hugged every friend i saw that morning. i smiled.. i thought i would have cried.. i thought id have been so nervous.. but i wasn’t. i put my watch on, a timex x noah watch.. no gps.. no data.. i put my headphones away, i took my beanie off.. i put a tank top on and made my way from the 9tseven crew to my corral. and just after 9:58am in copenhagen i crossed the starting line..

for the next 3 hours or so, i was in a place with running, i thought id never have again. i was in love with it. i was free. i was running for me, no longer holding on to the pain of those words, no longer running with that doubt of self image. i was at patrick said.. back in my body. as i came up on the 32km mark, i could see the silhouette of the 9tseven crew and my heart rate spiked to a billion.. and well.. needless to say i blacked out.. every ounce of my body went to a place i had never been before. i picked everyone up, i thought i had just won game 7 of the finals… champions league final, british bake off.. whatever.. i was on cloud 9 and then some.. it’s a feeling i will remember forever.. (sorry about picking everyone up tho)

but then at 35km, things got dark.. FAST.. legs.. gone.. i took two gels to the dome. 2 x 40grams of carbs.. one minted, one sap.. three cups of water and fought for every step for 1km.. we found a street poll and stretched.. we felt it slipping away. it was dark.. i was so blown.. all this work? gone.. all this pain… for what? what did i do wrong? in the span 3km i went from the highest high to thinking i was going to leave the course in a cart.. we could not do that. we could not go backwards.. we started to cry but stopped ourselves, whispered “come on carl…” and got our shit together and started to just pick off step by step.. refusing to quit.. then out of nowhere our friend karo comes out of the crowd with a hand extended and says “come with me carl, i got you now” - she would have never known this but that felt like all i needed all along.. those magic words.. were better than any gel, any super shoe.. it was in that moment i realized all i really needed this whole time was a reminder that i was not who that women told me id be without her.

one K later, conor and henry who were in town from london flanked me on both saids “lets go carl, you got this brother!” we took off!! “no carl.. not yet..” karo says to me and the boys.. she was right.. we were safe.. we were doing enough.. we were going to cross that finish line if we stayed like this.. the boys stayed with us for 2.5km.. then karo took me to the 40km mark.. i stopped.. asked her for a hug and said “i need to do just do this alone now.. i need to cross the line alone” - i gave her one more hug and went on my way.

those final 2km were here and gone before i knew it.. but in many ways, it felt like a lifetime at the same time.. something i had talked to nikki about that morning was how in paris, i had talked to myself in a way that was full of rage, self doubt and utter disrespect to myself and how that should have been my sign to not even run that day in paris. because why would anyone talk to themself that way? and then he were were, 400m from finishing and all we could do was think about the year prior.. the fear of rejection, confused heartbreak, self pity, doubt in ourself.. and we smiled.. we smiled down as we approached 200m and we said to ourself.. “you did this carl.. i’m proud of you bud.” - 100m now.. the crowd is loud.. “do no waste this carl.. do not fucking waste this.” - 50m now… basically in the shadow of the finish line arch.. “cross the line and get back to work..” - we crossed the finish line.. no tears.. not a single one.. nothing but a smile.. and new found confidence..

the first face we saw was someone i had the year prior, photographed this very race alongside.. she say me, eyes got big and said “Carl!!” and gave me a big hug.. we chatted for a moment before i left saying “i’ll see you next year!” - i made my way to medals, put it on, walked to bag check and collected my things.. and made my way to the exit before seeing my buddy jake and his brother.. we exchanged marathon stories, hugged it out and told each other we were proud..

i exited the park, found a lime bike and biked back to my hotel.. walked in to my room, showered, had a coffee and sat down.. in just utter disbelief.. we had not run with any tracking so there was no social to check, no strava to update.. we had this idea of just doing this for ourself.. we had a chance to just sit with it all.. to accept that we were capable of more than we thought we were a year ago. there was no kudos to comb through, no opinions to weigh.. i wanted to give myself the chance to stand in my own world.. this feeling came over me as if i was standing at the end of a battle, watching the dust settle in real time.. and all around me were the bodies of the old me’s. at the top of the pile, was the version who let someones words hold me at knife point for a decade.. as i sat there, “standing over” my past self, it hit me.. this feeling of knowing now what i knew.. that overcoming the pain of those words had nothing to do with the finishing of a marathon.. but rather everything to do with the fact i was willing to go to war with my insecurities and my pain.

it’s was a realization no one’s opinion is bigger than the opinion you have of yourself.. and while i always thought that was her opinion, that it perhaps hurt for so long because i had believed it. i had believed her. i had allowed the opinion she had of me stand over that of the one i should have had for myself. and in that moment, in room 445, i told myself i’d never let that happen again. that i would no longer let someone speak to me in a way i wouldn’t speak to myself.. it was a realization that truly, knowing the difference could make all the difference.. and the difference here was now i longer believed her. she would no longer have that over me.

the following few days, we did the following.. went for a swim with friends, with our shirt off, danced with friends and strangers until 1am, sat in a sauna with girl, friends.. even taking some photos and sharing them on the internet, no longer hiding behind the fear that maybe she was right.. no longer worrying about if our body looked a litte different than the guy next to me.. fully accepting of the fact this was the body i had the privilege of having for 40 years now.. the same body that just ran it’s best marathon at 40.. the very body that has taken me from country to country, supported me on race day as a photographer, being able to document important moments for so many others.. we were done feeling like we needed validation from others, we were going to let go of the things that were holding us back.. choosing to embrace the feeling that so many in copenhagen showed us.. the love, the softness, the embrace of care and compassion from those were strangers once before, people who wanted nothing from me but everything for me.. it was the people over those two weeks in copenhagen who made me feel like i could let it all go.. and just be carl.. back in his body.. home again from the long way home.. and it meant the world to me.

and damn, does it feel good to be home..

talk soon. x.

carl.