haiku gardens with dad

years later, i realize it was never about the meals

please before we go anywhere, i want to just make one thing very clear.. nothing about what i’m about to say is meant to, intended to or even my goal to.. pat myself on the back.. i’m going to say some things that maybe may have someone who doesn’t know me well think “wow, this guy is full of himself..” but i promise you, that is the furthest thing from the truth and in fact, if you think that, its my belief you’re missing the mark. i don’t say that to defend myself, i say that to simply ask of you to read this in full.. to be patient, to try and fully understand what im trying to say and to know its a result of what i’ve learned and who i aim to be… ok?

in my last piece i echoed this story about someone in my past calling me a “one trick pony” when i mentioned i was going to my usual restaurant in nyc.. i really had no idea how much that would get to me, in fact in the moment i laughed about it.. i think perhaps it’s because i understood the history of that decision.. of that characteristic if you will.. this person did not. this person, as bland and maybe as vanilla as they themself are was possibly just projecting? who knows.. but how are they supposed to know its who i am? - it kind of reminds of that quote in the west wing, the christmas-ish episode where toby’s dad comes to visit him and he’s giving him grief and josh confronts him and says “cause you don’t know what i know.” sometimes, things are just not exactly black and white. it’s not just “i like that place..” but are they supposed to know that?

when i was a kid, my family and i lived on an air force base in the state of washington and right outside the base was a town called lakewood. on weekends my father and i would go, (sometimes my sisters went) to our local donut shop.. and much like most of our youth, there’s trips i remember and some i don’t but there’s a moment from my youth that stands out.. it was the end of summer, not hot, not cold.. perfect donut weather, ya know? my dad in his standard blue jeans, black t-shirt tucked in, blue and white nikes, dashing a cigarette out as he closed the door to his mazda b2300 extended cab.. me all of like 4ish feet tall, i think i was like 10 years old.. jumping out of the passenger seat.. using two hands to close the door, i swear it was like 100 lbs. anyways, we walked in “carl, fingers off the glass.” i look up at my dad as he preempts my actions.. the person working behind the counter greets us and asks if we need anything.. my dad replies “is this your shop by chance?” - now you have to understand, this person was like 16.. maybe 17.. there’s legit zero chance it was his.. i looked at my dad like “dude, are you serious?” even i know its not. the kid replies “i just work here. but the owner is in the back.” my dad said “oh could you grab them by chance?” we proceeded to look at donuts, my dad pointing out his favorites.. “hi, is everything ok?” the owner says as he approaches the other side of the counter… “Yes, of course! I just wanted to say hello say thank you!” “this is my son Carl, my name is Steve. - we’ve been coming here for a while now and just wanted to say hello and just let someone know how much we love this place.” The two of them shook hands and proceeded to talk.. i just stared at the donuts.. i remember though being embarrassed though of course at that age, i didn’t know what i was feeling.

when we left, i asked my dad why he wanted to meet the owner.. and he said as he turned up the volume to his tower of power music on the trucks cd-player. “people should know you appreciate them. that’s it.” from that point on, every time we saw the guy from that day, he always greeted my father.. they would chat.. i would eat donuts..

just down the road from the donut spot was a place called haiku gardens, a sushi spot.. when i got to a certain age, my dad and i would go, he would teach me to use chop sticks.. he would teach me the difference between nigiri vs sashimi.. how much wasabi to use, how not to dunk your rolls in the soy sauce.. he wouldn’t ask me what i wanted to try, he would tell me what to try. he didn’t care that i thought it looked funny.. now this wasn’t something that happened all the time.. i feel like in those days, my dad went there more without us kids and more often with his fellow military friends for lunch or dinners.. but when we would go, we’d walk in from behind the curtain and the main chef would always react with a smile “steve!!” he would express with joy.. my dad would reply “Itamae” - i remember thinking my dad was saying “it me” and thinking that was so funny.. i would later realize what he was saying.. again, the two of them would chat and it was always so friendly..

i think about these moments a lot in my life these days. i see them as roots in my upbringing.. they’re foundations of who i am. why i move the way i do… its in my dna to be like my father in these ways.

that same spot, the one i was a one trick pony for.. i was there one night with my friends kevin and sarah and we ordered a couple bites, we were mainly there to catch up.. kev and i had been there before together.. the team kept bringing us extra dishes “you guys gotta try this..” they would say.. Kev looked at me and laughed.. Sarah said “now i see why you come here so much!” and i laughed and said, “no, this is because i come here so much.” its the kind of place i don’t need a reservation for, but ill always make one.. i dont go there for free food. i go there for the people. at this rate, its not about the food. its about the team there. their smiles when i walk in the door. they way they all greet me with a hug and a “how are you?” - it’s a place that while i hope they know how appreciated they are by me, makes me feel the most appreciated no matter how often i go nowadays that i no longer live in new york city.

just recently while in paris i went to my ‘st jardim of paris” - a place called early june. a place i went to for the first time in december of 2022.. i was there celebrating my books release and a friend invited me to a small group dinner.. things stacked up and well, i walked in late.. i was greeted by a women (one of the owners), her name Camille “Carl, where have you been!!? sit!” - lol, what? I’ve never seen this person in my life. ive never even been here.. turns out my friends had been yappin about my absence and apparently by name.. in the end, we had an amazing dinner and fast forward two years, ive lost track of the amount of times ive been there. ive sent friends.. ive gone solo. ive gone twice in one week..

ok wait, side bar, really quick.. the “thing” about this place is they have no on staff “Chef” - instead they host Chefs from all over the world on varying degrees of time.. so if you go say, right now the Chef is from Seoul.. if you go in a couple months, they be from somewhere else. I liken it to this idea of eating at home but someone new cooks for you each time. anyways, its perfect.

as time has gone on, its become a place i can’t go to paris without visiting. they don’t do reservations, but they’ve always been kind enough to offer me a slot if a send a message ahead of time. recently, one of the other owners, Victor was in nyc visiting and we had planned to meet up but i couldn’t make the trip. we had plans to visit my camera store. K&M on orchard. he went without me but they took good care of him. he found the camera he was looking for. on this most recent visit we talked about it and talked film. its the kind of conversation, you think was fostered out of years of being friends, seeing each other often.. nope. its been a series of visiting the same place trip after trip. as we sat down to dinner last week, one of the other guests at the table and i were the only ones who would have wine… they asked “what should we drink?” i said.. “i stopped ordering wine a year ago.. i just let them pick for me.” he nodded his head and said “alright” - now, chances are maybe one person reads that and thinks.. “just order.” but follow along here.. its not being lazy.. its me understanding they are the expert… and i dont want to just “order” i wanna learn.. i wanna see what they pick. i wanna see what excites them. i want to know why they think x wine should go with y dish.. id make the argument it’s the literal opposite from being lazy.. at those meals at haiku with my father he’d always ask the chef, “what should we have? what’s good right now?” - the chef would say so, and we’d have that. in many ways, i think the lesson there is relaying a sense of trust. and in return that trust is granted in return..

mind you, i said the first time i went to early june, i was there celebrating the release of my book.. now a copy of that book sits in their window, along with their other books gathered over the years.. at one point these people were strangers, now they feel like family.. that comes from.. you guessed it.. showing up.

i think about things like this, i think about how a friend was in paris months ago and went to put his name on the list to eat there.. he put his name down and before leaving said “my friend carl from new york said i had to come here.” to which he tells me they replied, “you’re a friend of carls?” “yeah!” “give us five minutes…” and they made a place for him.. that does not come from me being anyone.. it comes from what id like to think is me being me.. is me showing up.. guard down, just myself.

the amount of times, we as a family would go to dinner somewhere, lunch.. the mall what have you.. and we’d hear, “steve!” and we’d turn the corner and someone knew our dad.. in fact, we have this moment as a family we always laugh about.. it was like 1995.. maybe 96, idk.. grant hill was still on the pistons.. and i had the blue jersey with red numbers.. sorry.. not the point.. we were at disney land as a family, my dad & i along with my two sisters.. at the time, my father was a single parent.. anyways.. we had been there for a few days.. and on our final day we were laughing, my sisters and i about how funny it was no one knew our dad.. then.. like flippen, clockwork, we were walking out of the park on our last day… “steve!” - NO WAY… we all shouted.. turns out someone my dad used to work with was also there..

you see when i was younger, i was embarrassed by this.. annoyed at times even.. and now, as my own person, someone who is capable and able to travel the world, i understand it more than ever before.. heck, just recently in paris.. i made some time to see a friend who i had met last year in copenhagen and while sitting down with them at this post race event hoka was hosting.. i hear “carl!?” - we look at its a friend from berlin.. then a friend from london.. then a friend from nyc.. then i see some folks i knew from copenhagen, and we then we facetimed rasmus but i don’t mention this as a “look how many people know” tone.. i mention this because i see it as truly a privilege, to be someone that people even want anything to do with..

before that trip to paris, i was talking with a friend who said they met someone and in their meeting, somehow i came up.. and he said to my friend “everyone knows carl.” lol. im gonna put that on a shirt one day i think.. but in all seriousness, what i’m really trying to stress here is this idea of just being someone who navigates the world as a guest. i truly feel like no space is mine. i feel honored to be anywhere my feet are. i feel its an obligation to be the guest in any situation, be comfortable taking the back seat. being comfortable knowing nothing.. letting the experts pick your wine, trying new dishes.. making time to sit down with people..

now.. OF COURSE.. literally of course.. there are people in this world who if you ask them, “do you know carl?” they may not have the most kind opinion of me.. hell, they may not even have a good experience with me.. and to that i’d say.. you’re right.. you’re probably even justified.. because guess what? you’re gonna get it wrong. you’re gonna meet someone who didn’t like that you wanted them to pick the wine.. you’re gonna met someone who didn’t want a hug when you saw them. you’re gonna meet people who hate that people like you.. for no reason other than maybe it’s something to do with them.. “how do you know that carl?” because it happened to me.. yup!

the year was 2007 and i ended up in south korea while in the air force and one night, a group of went out to dinner followed by drinks and one of the guys there, his name was harper.. said “can i talk to you for a minute?” and i said sure.. harper and i had known each other since 2005 in tech school together then we were in virginia together.. but we were never really close.. anyways.. he proceeds to tell me how he had me wrong. dead wrong. “bro, when we were in virginia, we’d be somewhere and i’d see you be so talkative, everyone seemed to like you and i hated it because i didn’t understand why no one didnt dislike you..? like it made me hate you.” sort of laughing i said "so because people didnt hate me, you thought you needed to?” “yeah! its crazy, i know..” i said.. “did your boys dislike me?” “no! they all loved you and it pissed me off.” we laughed and hugged and agreed to always laugh about it.. but that moment taught me something very valuable.. people are gonna dislike you.. some deserved, some not. you cannot control that.. in many ways, it’s almost bound to happen..

in fact, not related to me but i remember in the summer of 2023 i was helping some guys put a relay race together for something and they wanted someone i was close with to be part of it.. and then said they couldn’t get ahold of them.. “i just feel like he’s an asshole. like who are you to not wanna join?” mind you.. this person had no idea i was close to them.. but.. that moment said a whole lot about them more than it did my friend.. so because someone want’s to be their own person or simply just not want to do something, they’re an asshole?.. ok. you see, people are just gonna not like you.. you simply cannot control that.. but what you can do is be grateful for every single person who does appreciate you. because being someone anyone, even one person feels appreciated of their relationship or connection to you.. well you’ve already won.

as i was putting the final touches on this piece, figuring out where to take it, i received a message from someone i don’t know.. they were looking for creative/career/life advice if you will.. their message isn’t important but what i’m grateful for is this continued idea that people feel comfortable enough to reach out to me.. for anything.. and its in knowing that.. knowing that literal strangers see you as someone worth their valuable time.. why the hell would you ever worry about people who don’t like you.. what was it jalen hurts said.. “i had a purpose before anyone had an opinion..” truly…

i’ve had the luxury of being able to travel to travel the world.. ive been lucky enough to meet people from everywhere ive been.. and its been incredibly important to me to maintain that.. it takes work.. it takes showing up.. it takes expecting nothing.. it takes being a good person.. you can’t fool everyone forever. i think about this a lot. its been on my mind for a while and these past few recent events finally gave me the inspiration to write about it.. just this morning, someone asked me about paris.. and photographing the race.. and how i got the opportunity for this other thing.. (we’ll talk about that later) and i told them about some advice i gave a friend last year who asked about finding more work.. to which i said.. “i get paid to do the work i do now, because i did it before anyone ever wanted to pay me to do it.” simply put, you just have to show up.. people remember that you showed up more than they remember your work. people remember how you made them feel more than they remember what your capable of..

showing up takes time. it takes effort.. being known is not a flex.. being “popular” is irrelevant.. people on the internet have a million followers and get 20,000 likes on a post of their salad.. a million people do not care about your salad.. this is not about being popular.. current me in my life understands those moments at haiku gardens were not about the sushi.. they weren’t about spending money on meals we didn’t need.. it was about my father showing me the importance of showing up.. i mean sure, i’m nice with the chop sticks don’t get me wrong.. i ain’t dropped a piece of food since like 98’ ya get me??

i’m grateful for those haiku gardens moments with my dad now more than ever because it taught me the importance of showing up.. it taught me to forever be a guest. because after all.. does anyone get to stay here forever anyways? ok, that’s all… sorry.

talk soon. x.

carl.