contemporaneous: a lesson learned in berlin

sometimes you're lost but sometimes you're just on the long road to understanding

“write what you feel. remember how this felt.” i told myself this just moments after crossing the finish line of the berlin marathon on september 25th, last year. i walked back to my hotel, just a short 20 minute walk from the finish line, with this feeling of guilt. i put my medal around my neck to send my parents a photo and felt like taking it off right away. i didn’t wear it out that night. i flew home to nyc and put it away in a box right away. “i’m not proud of myself for this.” i thought to myself, sitting there staring at it on my desk in my hotel, piled with my hat, sunglasses and the mcdonalds bag i used to bring back two big macs and two large fries in after the race. i didn’t even finish the meal, come to think of it. i took a bath, then showered, then threw on some sweats and a hoody and opened up this very laptop i’m writing this on. i had work to do. a few hundred miles away in england, someone was waiting on me to finalize my selection of photos for my first book, “i love you, prove me wrong” - on the moments, i look back to that moment, it was almost fitting of me to be in this position. post run, pushing up insanely close to a deadline for something paired with a feeling of “what next?”

i think, or perhaps believe it’s maybe important to provide some context to exactly how we got here and why i was so distracted or maybe distracted isn’t the right word. maybe “pre-occupied” is the word i’m looking for. You see, six months earlier i ran the paris marathon and the very next day, i took the first photos for what would eventually become my first tangible piece of work that i’ve ever produced. from that very moment on april 4th, 2022 - the most important work of my life to date began and it completely consumed me. it was all i talked about in the weeks that would follow. when i arrived back in new york city after that trip, i went to a friends birthday and saw a group of friends from the running community side of my life and to their surprise this whole project was news to them. i think i had maybe only told four or five people ahead of production. ryan, tamon, nat, maya & i think my buddy jake. all be it, he was literally there by my side the day i started. i remember being at that party, so proud of the work i had just done. i couldn’t wait to see the film from the first production trip. i shot through so many rolls of film during the trip, which two days prior to leaving, was at a decent amount and then i was hit with the news that i had gotten covid while on the trip so after spending a few days in my hotel until i got the all clear, i went back outside for 3 days until my new flight and almost doubled my production.

I was so enamored by the idea of creating a true body of work. every detail mattered to me. i wanted to put something together where behind every single photo there was a story. this had to be the case. there was this lie that i told myself each day which was “one day you’ll do a book tour and tell stories about how this all came to life. so be prepared”. i look back at that now as so much of a lie but merely a place of reference to work from. nothing could be half done. every photo had to matter and every photo needed to be exact. what the definition of “exact” means in regards to this body of work, i still have yet to understand but it was the goal at the time. from quite literally the first photo you see, on the cover. the story there goes back years. in 2018, i took a photo at this specific location in paris and for years i always referred to it internally as one of my favorite framings of a composition. so when it came time to put this book together, there was only one photo that could be the cover. so on the first trip to bring this book to life i went there. as soon as i turned the corner, a women walked in front of me and made her way up this specific set of stairs i was hoping to photograph. as she reached the top, my chance to get the photo i wanted was getting closer and closer. just then, she stopped and sat directly in frame. i knew i wanted the space to be void of people so i stood there holding my camera ready to hit the shutter as soon as she walked away as to not let anyone else enter frame before i got my photograph. she proceeded to sit there for what felt like forever. in real time it was close to thirty minutes. in that moment i remember feeling flustered. “does she think she owns this space?” angrily i asked myself to myself. upon reflection, i’m glad she was there. the time she spent there allowed the shadow of the days’s under grow longer and longer, casting what was essentially the photo i had dreamed of for the cover. if she would have walked up and just kept moving, i might have not gotten the image i wanted. ever! that to me was a story i told over and over again upon returning back to the city. anywhere i went, all i wanted to do was talk about this trip and this project. as time went on, that excitement and determination turned to anxiousness and anxiety like nothing i’ve ever experience before in my life with my art work.

this story however is not about the process of bringing “i love you, prove me wrong” to life, that will come later. this is a story about how while trying to do that, i also tried to train for a marathon and while (spoiler alert) i did complete the marathon, it was by far my worst marathon to date. i think to put it simply thought i was “bigger” than the marathon, meaning i let it creep in to my mind that, “well, ive done a few now, i’m sure another one won’t be so tough.” but wow, was i wrong!?

i knew i had messed up the moment i touched down in berlin. everyone around me was excited for the race. there were friends aiming to hit an oqt (olympic qualifying time) and there were friends looking for a pr. i myself was looking for a reason to just not even race. quite literally up until the morning of, i was talking myself out of it. in running there’s this sort of rule everyone follows about not eating anything new the night before a race. at dinner the night before, i debated ordering something new to me to maybe give myself an out the next morning. blame it on food poisoning or whatever i could say to lie to myself that didn’t make me feel like too much of a liar. from arrival in berlin, to exploring trying to get my head right, to doing the song & dance of the expo to the pre race dinner the night before with friends i was basically frozen inside while trying to not show that i was fighting a hell of a war inside my mind. setting my alarm that night begrudgingly, i told myself to get up, “see how you feel but be honest with yourself.” - i hadn’t been up until that moment so i have no idea what made me think i would start in eight hours.

and then just like that, my first alarm goes off, it’s just after six in the morning and i’m even more scared than ive been since arriving in berlin. “whatever! let’s just do this thing.” i gather my things, my outfit barely ready but i knew what i was going to wear. and what may seem like a simple thing, to those who have run marathon will understand is kind of a big deal. i get to the point where it’s time to pin my bib to my tank. i search and search, the pins i planned on using, nowhere to be seen. i forgot them back in nyc. well then i’ll just use the ones i gathered during the expo. i’ll just use those. damnit. i didn’t even pick those up either. this seemingly small thing was a very big thing. you sort of need your bib. what was i going to do, run with it in my hand? i made my way downstairs for some coffee as i continued to debate wether i was even going to walk to the start line. as i turned the corner towards the elevator, i spotted a women at the front desk. “excuse me ma’am, do you by chance have any safety pins? it’s not big deal if not.” i said as i approached. “yes of course! one moment.” she said.. as she proceeded to open a cabinet and pull a box out of small sowing kits. “ah, looks like there’s only 1 in the kit” i say “that’s ok, how many do you need?” “how much are they?” “they’re free.. how many pins do you need?” - does she not realize i’m looking for my out? “four would be great! thanks”

back in my room, i start to get dressed and see my camera sitting on the desk. power it up and realize i had loaded a fresh roll the night before. and right then, i found my reason to walk to the start line. i got dressed, grabbed my camera and then grabbed three additional rolls and loaded them up in my vest, took the elevator down to street level, exited my hotel and walked to the start line. if i was going to be here, if i was going to not give myself a reason skip the marathon, i was at least going to give myself the chance to create something along the way and not waste the opportunity.

and right then it hit me in regards to what had been eating at me all along. i thought it was perhaps a lack of training. it wasn’t. it was a realization that i wasn’t connected to the marathon. well not as much the marathon as in terms of 26.2 miles but more so that the idea of the marathon and everything that goes in to. i wasn’t prepared physically, mentally, emotionally and most importantly, my heart wasn’t in this. everything i do in my creative life, i have to be connected to. for me the only way to do anything is if i know there’s (even if the smallest) ) a part of my heart connected to it. i sort of envision this little army of little people lifting a fork lift up to my heart, carving out a small piece and shipping it up to my brain, so when the idea unfolds, there’s a part of my heart connected to the idea. a little silly? maybe. but it’s what helped me bring “i love you, prove me wrong” to life and it’s what continues to keep me focused on that project.

i was about two thirds of the way through the marathon, three rolls of film already shot when the gap in understanding myself that i had been so curious about over the last few days hit me. i am simply incapable of existing in two places at once when it comes to anything i do in my life. that’s separate than the idea of multi-tasking. what i mean by “existing” is the idea of thinking i can try to do anything without being full in. i can’t do anything with only one foot in the door while part of me is somewhere else. i think this moment explained so much of how i feel about myself and sort of the answer to “what do you wish people knew about you?” i am simply just incapable of not caring. not being connected to whatever the “thing” is i am doing or the person i am caring about. and when i do, when i attempt to try to do a thing without being fully invested, i feel like this. this all came head as i arrived in berlin. the result of trying to do a thing that im not fully in, in this case is my worst marathon experience. there was a brief thought of ditching the medal, keeping no remind of it. though as time went on and i arrived back in nyc and unpacked, i decided it might just be one of the most important medals in my marathon experience. it was not going to be a medal that celebrated the berlin marathon, it was going forward going to be a reminder to never give less than one hundred percent to anything or more importantly anyone in your life. at some point on the road in berlin between the start line and the finish line, i learned this, you can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to your heart.

notes on the piece: *all photos in this piece were photographed on cinestill 35mm film through a leica mini and the above writing was not edited by anyone. going forward, this page will be a diary of streams of thought. i’m not worried about word count or phrasing. i’m worried about staying honest.

thanks for reading.

carl. x.