ask me tomorrow
we'll see tatted on my neck
recently, i found myself watching the copenhagen episode of the bear and there’s this part where one of them is asking another one about all the work they’ve done in their career, all of the training, spending time at different spots to learn things at, spending time doing this and that, so on and so forth.. and one asks, “was it all worth it?” and they answer.. “ask me tomorrow” - and i couldn’t help but think about how much that hit.. it reminded me of how i was in paris running the marathon one time and a friend and i got tanks made with "i’ll tell you next year” translated in french as this sort of joke but in reality, we had this mentality of just giving things time, to never pass an instant judgement on a moment.
so as the year comes to a close and we prepare to dial back on how often we show up online next year.. i wanted to at least make sure we gave space to moments that felt really impactful to me this year. there’s been a lot of moments this year that in some ways i still feel like i am not quite yet fully understanding of their value in regards to the role they have played or will play in my life but i believe they will in some way shape or form. So with that in mind, i thought i’d reflect back on 12 months, one for each month. Not much so in the form of a “best” list but just 12 moments that feel like some day i’ll have these moments in my life where i’ll say “it all started after.. xyz” and be able to call back to these moments as ones that had a bigger impact than i imagined they would in that moment.
JANUARY & PIPE PRO - being in Hawaii for the second time felt like such a different experience than the first. not only was i somewhat more comfortable with my role and responsibilities with Freaks of Nature, but i felt a real sense of empowered by who i work for and with. At the beginning, the idea was I’d be on the north shore for a few days for the WSL tourny - but as time went on, it turned in to a two week long trip. while in town, we partnered with two run crews - which to this day are clubs we keep in touch with. we partnered with surfer mag and i got to meet and learn from a member of their team, Chris - who brought me up to speed on all things surf history and culture. I think being in running for so long, it was so fun to explore a new community and learn who is who. Part of my role there was to meeting the surf community at large and a lot of times this just meant cold intro’s and saying to hello to random people at random. One time, I did so to a family I saw at the skate park across from pipe pro.. turned out the father was a pro from Brazil.. whoops. From there, every time we saw each other around town, it was all love and it’s been fun to keep up with their career since then. what stands out so much about this experience is, I went to it knowing nothing about it the experience yet, left feeling like I made a good name from myself and more importantly the brand.
FEBRUARY & LANY AT THE KENNEDY CENTER - in the spring of 2015, i went to a show in dc at a venue called DC9 to see this new band from LA who at the time only had a few songs released. A decade later, that same band came back to DC but this time to play songs at the kennedy center, two nights in a row. it’s a venue not many play, especially bands like theirs and yet as a result of the way they have built their name and cared for their band, there they were.. on a stage that’s about as iconic as it gets in the district. for me, being there both nights was symbolic because it was a reminder of what’s possible when you do you thinks your way, on your timeline and your pace. there are probably so many ways to get somewhere faster but at what cost? those two nights with friends on both nights was a weekend in washington dc that no matter the occasion, i can’t help but think about every time i pass by the venue.
MARCH & THE SPEED PROJECT - in what felt like the longest week of the year at that point, Freaks of Nature for the third year support the speed project, this time from LA to LV, previously documenting france and the cycling editions. for this third go at it, we supported the solo runners, and i joined in with a solo runner from dc, originally planning to solo with another athlete until injury caught up to them. the team was crewed by an amazing cast of friends who did everything from run, drive and prep meals. the injured runner, even made the trip and personally drove the hardest stretch of time through a path known as powerline road. during this week of documenting a solo runner, we delivered not only a deep photo library of images but also i shot and produced two different short films. my biggest take away from this experience is the understanding of just how much creative i think im capable of. i take a lot of pride in my ability to do a lot and to create work that others enjoy. its never been about creating to create but i do believe this moment really showed people just how capable i am when it comes to output.
APRIL & A HORRIBLE MARATHON - i wrote about this race in a past article, and essentially concluded with this idea i’ll never run a marathon again… i’d end up changing my mind on that months later but in that moment, as a result of a really horrible day on the pavement, finishing a marathon i basically felt embarrassed to even collect a medal from, i now have a whole new understanding and belief in myself in what i want to do with myself in terms of the marathon. that day went from being a horrible day to months later being one i’m really grateful to have experienced because it really has had a lasting impact on me.
MAY & A LIFE CHANGE - as a result, i believe of some kind introductions by friends and a photo i took at the half marathon the year before, i found myself in copenhagen photographing the marathon on behalf of the actual marathon. i’ve always wanted my career to be one that took me abroad and this experience was one that i believe also set in motion a ton of other really great moments and relationships in my career. it would also be this trip that made me want to hit pause on drinking alcohol for a period of time. i had this moment during the trip where i just felt like something was off and i just said to myself, “carl you have to change.” - from there i went for a sunset dip in the water by myself and i knew that moment i could do it. this would lead to me losing 25lbs, feeling better than i had in years and having a completely new foundation for my love of running. it was a rough couple of weeks to start but by the time i got my feet under me, the progress became motivating and the support from friends became the reward. 229 days later, we’re still sober and we’re signed up to run that very marathon ourself in the new year.
JUNE & FASHION WEEK IN PARIS - damn.. no actually, like damn. this trip changed my life. i made the decision last minute. i had basically chance to finding a hotel i could actually afford until a friend stepped in with help on an airbnb.. i made the trip to paris direct from italy, photographing a wedding.. and i was a month sober and anxious the excitement of the weekend would be too much and pull me back. my airbnb was im not even joking, like 110° inside at day time so i spent all day outside bouncing from bit to bit, thing to thing, meeting to meeting, taking every single chance i could to meet people, introduce myself as well as introduce folks to freaks. i took a billion coffee meetings in five days, basically used every lime bike the city has to offer and found time to document running, shoot an engagement, and tell a friend how much it meant to me that they called my name earlier that month. i also got to watch faith go for the mile record and cried the whole time. i feel like this trip is still barely halfway unpacked but i cannot even begin to describe how important it was for me and my career.
JULY & A DECISION - on the 13th i moved 99% of my stuff in to storage, moved out of my apartment and hit the road. i wanted to see what a life on the road would do for me, my brands i work with as well as my own abilities. i talked about it in the from of wanting to find a new threshold for what im capable of, it was born out of a desire to race towards to the unknown in real form. i cant relive this month for much longer as i personally feel like the key and most important takeaway was to bet on yourself.. and to do so with the understanding you may fail. you may ruin things, you may make things harder on yourself but deep down, you yourself know it will all pay off! however, we’re still waiting to find out i suppose.
AUGUST & A TRIP TO STOCKHOLM - the start of a new creative era. one that involved understanding this was the start and it’s exciting but this is the beginning of what will be a very long process. every day in the city, i had to make it a point to remind myself that you gotta go slow. ease in to things if you will. knowing the process of creative a coffee table book already, i wanted to make sure i put those lessons learned to good use. the idea, documenting fall racing across six different races, ending with the nyc marathon in new york.. the project as of now is called “the crisp of fall” but that may change. this was my first time in the country and the city of stockholm. found time to squeeze in a couple of runs, meet some locals, get a little shopping in and the point of it all.. document the half marathon. the next morning we were off!
SEPTEMBER & COPENHAGEN TO BERLIN - a year prior to this trip, i made my way to copenhagen for the first time.. urged on by a few danes in my life, that visit would go on to spark a trip later in december, then again in may, which would lead to this one, my fourth visit to a city that in so many ways, i’m kicking myself for waiting so long to visit. though i suppose, whats made it so important is the people who i’ve come to know there and friends ive fallen in love with. (yes, you can fall in love with your friends) - i believe my experience with the city is mae possible because so many of those who live there have welcomed me with open arms. i got to document for DISTANCE, join in on shakeout runs, document a few friends on shakeout runs, document a buddies unsanctioned race as well as just enjoy the city on my own terms. spent time at dinner across from pretty humans, break bread over sandwiches with boys from different countries and to cap it all off, i left the city on a train and made my way to berlin.. an hour 8 hour ride that felt like the calmest 8 hours of my entire year. i remember just sitting there thinking “how is this my life?” - like what in the actual flip did i do to deserve a life like this? the train was full of people who spoke a language i couldnt understand and yet, i felt at home and at ease. i worked the entire train ride. cell service was in and out but the music on my headphones stayed on and i made it to berlin ready for another incredible weekend.
OCTOBER & A TRIP TO CHICAGO - in august, i went to chicago for freaks of nature and as i left, i made an instagram dump and said “brb, moving to chicago” and was at the time joking.. then fast forward to this trip and the realization that maybe i wasn’t joking.. then i landed back in the city for the chicago marathon and it just hit me that maybe this is actually where i need to be.. fast forward we’d make the decision to do just that and now we’re in the process of making it happen. that weekend had such an impact on me. some good, some bad and in the end, some really great stuff happened. one of the things i got to do on this trip was a boat ride as a result of some hard work of a few friends and support for their mission by some really great people.. and while on the boat, i watched the sun set behind the skyline and it just felt right.. like i was exactly where i was meant to be.. i didnt make the decision in that moment but i feel like that moment made the decision for me. i just needed some time to realize it.
NOVEMBER & DIALING BACK - this month, saw the end of production for the next coffee table book, this month saw me run another 24 hour marathon for vets, reaching 60 + miles without a nap, laying down or creating a single tiktok about “everything i hate” - this made it three years in a row of doing it to do it, still asking the non-profit i raise money for to not tell me how much money we’ve raised. this month also saw me publish 10k plus images from the nyc marathon for runners from all over the world. this month also saw loss in friendship, and relationships ive had for years. we often times i think have these moments in our life where we feel like we’re the crazy one for airing out how we feel about things so we bottle them up. we do so often times to protect how the other person will feel. for me, i do it to avoid hearing people say “do you think you’re over reacting?” - that question, im almost certain was invented by someone who believed others should shrink themselves to be more digestible for others. this month made me realize that dialing back on relationships can be good for you. and though the loss may hurt.. much like the feeling of being punched.. it hurts, it feels like it came out of nowhere, but in the end you realize you saw the punch coming the whole time.. but in the end, you’ll be alright…
DECEMBER & RUNNING AGAIN - i know end of year things are meant to feel uplifting and i dont mean to push back against that but i also think its very important to be realistic. i could post all i want on the internet to serve me and serve only me and i’m fully aware there a lot of men on the internet who do that.. i have this deal with myself to be someone who does the work rather than someone who talks about how hard it is. i don’t know where everyone got the idea it was supposed to be easy.. i dont know why men on the internet are so determined to convince you they work harder than the next person. this genre of guy who believes the time they wake up makes them worth supporting.. or you should believe in there mission or buy their brand or follow their journey because they ‘“work hard” - who the fuck, works easy? the truth is, the “harder” it is, the more its worth doing. like why would anyway be interested in easy to begin with? december for me has been hard.. but january was hard.. the whole year was hard. nothing was easy. but everything was worth doing. i’ve somehow felt in the month that is supposed to be about rest, a desire to do the opposite.. but that’s me.. that does not make me special. and that certainly does not make me worth supporting. the fact is.. i trie easy.. easy was drinking a lot. easy was not running. and easy made my life worse. but the opposite of easy is not hard.. hard is not special, hard is the normal of people who don’t talk about how hard it is. they just do. and i made it a point to make doing the norm for me.. because december comes to an end.. and then january comes.. but it carries over.. it all carries over. because everything is connected and everything matters.
at the end of day, the biggest lesson i learned this year is to just be proud of yourself out loud, regardless of what others think, love what you love, love it out loud, love it hard and give up on trying to be cool. just exist. just be yourself. stop trying to make the mood board, stop trying to be a mood board. just exist. and maybe most importantly, take lesson from the plants and grow towards the direction the brightest sun in life comes from. the rain will come, the shadows will fade but in the end, the sun that warms you the most, is the direction worth leaning towards.. i hope that makes sense.
ok.. that’s all i have to say this year. thank you for reading. thank you being here. thank you for the space and thank you for your energy… like we heard.. im not sure if any of this is worth it but i suppose, ask me tomorrow.. and maybe i’ll tell you next year.
talk soon. x.
carl.
